There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
