My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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