So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
bring money and cleavage
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
