this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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