And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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