He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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