i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
