I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
