I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
