Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
Randomize
