If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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