she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
