Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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