all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
You pole danced in your parka.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
