it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
