Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
