i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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