Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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