you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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