there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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