No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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