It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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