he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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