I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
