Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Randomize
