Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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