i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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