I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
