we have pet lesbian snakes
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
