you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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