I met the friendliest cop last night
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
