What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Randomize
