There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
