I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
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