So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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