using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
