My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Randomize
