Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
