You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Randomize
