guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
