I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
