a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
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