i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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