I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
