Just cropdusted the office
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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