I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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