so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
jump out the window naked night went bad
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
