We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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