You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
