Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
