I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
