The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
