I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
